Kills me inside
by Eski4Lyf
Summary: He cheated on me, broke my heart. A few months later we wake up in the same bed, and have to revisit our relationship.   Rose and Scorpius pairing, Rated for language, sexual and adult themes.


The first time I saw him I thought nothing of it.

He was of average height, with light blonde hair and pale skin. I looked at him once and then turned to chat with Albus.

That was five years ago.

The next time I saw him was during the sorting, the hat above his head shouted _"Ravenclaw!"_ while the brunette next to me chewed her gum nervously.

I was sorted a little while later, and the hat had to think for a while before it put me in Ravenclaw too.

I walked over to the table among cheers and sat next to the gum-chewing girl.

Her name was Emma and she was the daughter of Dean Thomas, a good friend of my parents.

I saw him a lot after that, we were in the same house after all.

The next time I really noticed him was in second year, when we were both trying out for the quidditch team. Not for the same place, I was a keeper and he was a beater, but for the same team.

I didn't get it that year, but I still sat in the stands and watched as the others all tried out.

He tried out well, but was surpassed by an older guy with shoulders so broad he would probably just bump all the other players with them.

The very next day I got in trouble in class for dropping a dung bomb.

I had changed over the first year in Hogwarts.

For my elementary years I had been home schooled, and I liked it. I enjoyed learning, and since it was from my mother I had no troubles with anything teacher related. Plus I was alone, so no peer crap.

At school, things were different, as I soon found out. The teachers didn't listen to what you had to say, the other students were mostly jerks and work was so strict, if you didn't hand it all in you would get in trouble, and when I say trouble I mean scraping dragon shit off of the stone steps leading up to the castle.

So I became kind of a rebel.

Emma got me into chewing gum and my cousin James helped me with some of the things I could do to really piss people off. I also get huge discounts off of everything at _WWW_ because I'm a relative.

So I did tend to get in trouble a lot.

In my opinion, totally worth it.

So I had a detention later that evening, and on my way there, I ran into Scorpius, who congratulated me for the dung bomb and went on his way.

Several months later I was experimenting with darker streaks in my hair and black nail polish… Scorpius gave me the thumbs up as I was on my way to set off a box of fireworks in the divination tower.

The year after that I tried out for the team again. The previous keeper had finished school so I had high hopes.

I didn't make it… again.

Scorpius did it this year though… he had gotten fairly tall over the summer too.

He continued to egg me on in my many pranks, and it got to the point where we would say _"hey" _when we passed in the hall.

The next time we really interacted was ages later, in fourth year, when he agreed to help me with a prank that I needed help with. Emma had a date with a fifth year and I knew that Scorpius would say yes.

So we booby-trapped the staff room with nose bleed nougat in the bowls of fruit, disguised as strawberries.

It was a clean, quick job that went without incident. No complications.

This was the first time we actually had a conversation that surpassed about five words, but we just talked about school and friends and current music.

It was a few months later when we really got to know each other. We were assigned as partners for potions.

We got to talking a lot, instead of doing work, so we ended up in a lot of detentions together too.

Soon we were really bonding. We started to hang out together away from class and it got to the point where we were almost going out.

Until, finally, he asked me out.

Well, kind of.

We went to the fifth year Halloween party together.

It went great. Very well. We were both kind of flirty; he was verging on making a move…

He didn't though.

That came a few weeks later, when the first Hogsmeade trip came around. He kissed me in a back alley.

We went out after that.

It was perfect.

Pretty soon, I was sure I was in love with him.

It was crazy, we just… fit. He had just the right amount of sweetness, but he was crazy enough to understand me.

We were fifteen, hadn't gotten really serious yet… when I found him out.

He was… cheating on me with some whore sixth-year from Gryffindor.

I left him straight after that.

We didn't see each other for the rest of the year besides passing in the hall and in classes.

Then… yesterday… there was a party.

It was a party for my friend Sophie, a popular sixth year whose dad worked somewhere in the ministry. Her seventeenth… the big one. It was being held at the Three Broomsticks; they cleared out all the furniture and put floating candles through the room, music pumped from huge speakers in the corner and there was a table loaded with paper cups and self-refilling flasks of fire whiskey and cheap muggle beer.

By the time I got there with Emma the room was already full with guys and girls in their late teens. Most were on the sidelines still, chatting awkwardly, but some, including Sophie, where dancing already.

I would have joined the chatters but I kept catching flashes of platinum blonde hair, so I dragged my best friend over to the drinks and downed three cups in only about ten seconds.

'What the hell are you doing?' Whispered Emma.

'Drinking,' I replied. 'What, haven't you ever drunk anything before?'

'Sure I have, but you're laying it on a bit thick aren't you?'

'No I'm not…' I muttered, downing another two cups.

'Yes, you are…'

I wiped my mouth and pulled her towards the dance floor.

'Don't worry… we'll be fine,' I laughed, stopping in the middle of the room.

'Okay… I'm gonna go home with…' I pointed blindly into the crowd. 'That guy.'

Emma sighed.

'Rosie, that's your _ex_, Scorpius.' she muttered.

'He's hot… do you know him?' I giggled.

'Okay, you really shouldn't have drunk so much…' Said Emma as I struggled to remain on my feet.

'What are you saying? I'm fine…'

'Okay…' She said, letting go of my hand. 'I'm going to go to the bathroom, don't do anything stupid.

But I did.

As soon as she was out of sight, I went over to the drinks and downed a couple more. Then I went over to Scorpius.

'Hello hottie,' I said, stepping in front of the girl he was talking to and putting a finger to his chest.

'Rose, what are you-'

I cut him off by pressing my lips to his and lacing my fingers through his silky hair, tugging at it and pushing.

I heard the girl I had cut in on gasp in disgust and stalk off before I really got into it, pushing hard against his hips and forcing his mouth open.

He managed to break away for a second to look at me sternly.

'Rosie-'

I leaned back in again to kiss him.

He finally managed to push me off.

'Rose! What the hell are you doing? You look half crazy and your breath smells like fucking alcohol!'

'I know! That's because I'm drunk! Oh, you should totally take advantage of me! I think there's a room upstairs…' I started to reach behind me to undo my zipper but he caught my hands.

'No.'

'Come on! It'll be fun! You can tie me to the bed and everything!'

'Be quiet, people are staring! Wait… what?'

'You heard me sexy… take advantage of me… I'm all yours…'

He actually looked like he was having second thoughts for a moment.

Then he shook his head.

'No way… Rose, I need to get you back to the castle… you're too drunk.'

'My friend is here! Where's she? Where's my friendly friend?'

'Emma's in the corner with her boyfriend,' said Scorpius. 'I'll walk you back.'

'Okay then, you can walk me back into my room gorgeous… and then we can have hot sex!'

Scorpius clamped his hand over my mouth and dragged me out of the place.

I remember us walking through the snow until I tripped and fell, then he had to carry me.

I remember him walking me up to my dorm, I remember him laying me down… then I remember jumping on him, tackling him to my bed and not letting him go until he succumbed, pulling his fingers through my hair and snaking one hand down my dress…

I barely remember what actually happened after that. I mostly remember waking the next morning and puking over the side of my bed.

Scorpius was lying on his back on the far side of the bed and didn't wake.

I groaned, cleaned up the puddle of vomit on the floor with my wand and pulled open the curtains of my four poster before I remembered that I was stark naked.

Luckily, the room was empty, so I blinked, walked over to the bathroom and turned on the tap for the hot water in the shower.

I stepped into the flow and let my troubles float away for a while. The liquid poured down my back and dripped off of my feet.

Eventually I had to turn the tap off and for a few minutes I just stood there, trying not to think.

But eventually, the thoughts came. Which led me to here, now… pulling on a towel and opening the door.

_Shit_, Scorpius was awake.

He had put on pants and was lying in the bed again, over the covers.

We both said 'Hey' awkwardly and at the same time.

'So…' muttered Scorpius. 'Can we just… pretend this never happened?'

'No,' I said. 'All the girls will have heard us, and people saw us together at the party. There's no way we could pull that off.'

'Um… Okay…'

'So… What now?'

'We could um… see how it goes…'

'Yeah, okay.'

Scorpius pulled on his shirt and shoes, then flattened his hair and walked towards the door as I watched him, my lip quivering slightly.

'You know I am sorry Rose…'

'SORRY?' I shrieked, losing my badly kept calm. 'Sorry for what? For cheating on me when we were so close? You broke my fucking heart Scorpius! Do you really expect me to forgive you for that?'

'No! That's not what I…'

'Then what did you, huh? What did you think fucking that whore would come to?'

'I was drunk, Rose! I was piss drunk and you weren't putting out!'

'Oh! Oh, that's it! Blame it all on me! I'd been waiting for you to start something for _ages!' _

'Well, you weren't giving any hints where you?'

'I was dropping fucking anvils every five minutes!'

'You were not!'

'Were so!'

'Bitch!'

'Jerk!'

Then they were kissing again. Hungrily, thirstily…

'No!' I shouted, pushing him away.

'We need to work this out,' he whispered, staring at the wall over my shoulder.

'Yes, and I'm not ready to go straight into another relationship with you… I'm not weak, and I won't come crawling back. Not for you.'

'So… one night stand?' He asked, and he sounded pained.

'I couldn't live with myself if we didn't… and talk about awkward…'

'Then what?'

We both kind of stood there for a while, neither of us saying a word.

'How do we get this to work?' I muttered.

'I don't know,' he whispered back. 'But… I think I want to try dating again.'

'No fucking way, I'm not coming back that easy.'

'Would you rather date or have a one-night stand?'

'I don't…'

'Ha! Too slow! Dating it is!' He kissed my cheek and stepped back to the door, called: 'meet me in the courtyard for lunch tomorrow!' And closed it behind him.

I rolled my eyes, groaned again and went over to my wardrobe to change.

I could hardly stand all the gossip. I felt like everybody in the halls was talking about me, or staring at me.

'Hey slut.'

I turned and saw my dorm mate, Cindy, standing behind me.

'I was in my bed the whole time, you animal.'

'Oh, I'm so sorry, I forgot you had that grudge against Sophie after she totally stole your boyfriend.'

'Shut up!'

'I'm serious though, I forgot you would be there.'

'Not surprising, you were _so _drunk! The things you said…'

'Oh, like what?'

'I heard _"Fuck bunny" _several times actually.'

'You are _joking_!' I laughed. 'Please tell me you're joking…'

'Sorry, but… no.'

'Oh my god, I am such an idiot!'

'That you are…' said Cindy, walking back down the hall and waving. 'That you are…'

I felt a head ache coming on as I walked to the courtyard for lunch.

I didn't just walk straight in, but peeked around from behind a talkative statue of a boar with a heavy Scottish accent.

'Watcha doin'? Why're ya hidin'? Are ya due for a detention 'cos I can't help ya there young missy…'

'Shut up for a second, will ya?'

'All right, all right… I'll just stand here… bored out of my brain… lalalalala…'

'Shut up,' I groaned again.

I noticed Scorpius sitting on a bench and talking calmly to a friend.

I couldn't just walk up to him… There were at least twenty other people in the courtyard.

So I folded a paper airplane and wrote a message on one of the wings.

_This is stupid; meet me in the broom closet by the Transfiguration classroom._

I threw the plane at him and ran off, a strand of my flaming red hair – which I had meticulously straightened that morning – catching and ripping on the small branch of a bush planted almost in front of the ugly boar statue, as if to cover it.

I swore and pulled my worn dress down my legs, because it was getting really short and revealed a little too much of what I was wearing underneath for comfort, especially because I was wearing a purple thong and a freaking garter.

I'm not sure why I wore what I wore, or why I did my hair the way I did or why I took forty minutes to do my makeup.

I just… wanted to look my best…

Oh fine, I wanted to look sexy. We did fuck two nights ago.

And it was the best sex I ever had.

Um… I mean…

Fine.

Fine, fine, fine. I'll admit it.

It was the _only _sex I ever had.

It may have seemed like a very forward thing for a virgin to do, but I was drunk, and the truth was, I almost did it with George King, but backed out at the last minute.

We got as far as you could possibly get without actually getting there.

So I had been almost-not-a-virgin when I drunkenly came on to Scorpius.

As I waited in the closet I unbuttoned my shirt even further down my chest and pulled the garter down my leg, checking my makeup quickly just before Scorpius walked inside and snapped the door behind him.

I practically jumped on him and started snogging him senseless.

He was trying to pull me off until I wrapped my leg around his waist and he noticed the garter and thong.

Then he was kissing me back and I smiled into the kiss, tugging at the buttons of his shirt with one hand and his belt buckle with the other.

It was when I finally got rid of his shirt and started trailing hasty wet kisses down his neck when he pushed me away, rough and hard.

'Rose…' He muttered, as I pulled my legs tight together and buttoned my shirt up all the way to the collar, a thing I hadn't done since my second week of school, when I decided it made me look like kind of a goody-two shoes. 'Rose, I'm sorry, I just… we need to figure out where this relationship is going before we can… have sex again.'

'You are such a pussy!'

'You're such a guy.'

I snorted and unzipped my skirt, dropping it to the floor and turning on the spot.

'You ever seen a guy with hips like these?'

'Rose…'

'Okay… I have a deal…' I said, unbuttoning the top button of my shirt. 'Drop your pants and we'll have the talk.'

'Rose…'

'I'm serious! Drop 'em!'

'No.'

'Scorpius, you idiot… please…'

'I'm serious Rose, we need to talk about this.'

'Fine,' I said, dragging over a wooden crate and sitting down on it.

He crouched in front of me and I tried to avoid his cold eyes.

'Rose, I want to be with you,' he said.

'I don't,' I muttered.

'What?'

'I mean… I do, I… I'm not sure. I want to, but…'

'But you're scared of what people will think of you?'

'I'm scared of what I'll think of me,' I said. 'You're my _ex_. You cheated on me, how do I know you won't do that again? And if you say, "_it's because I'm putting out now" _I swear I will end you.'

'I wasn't gonna say that.'

'Well then what-'

'I love you Rose.'

'What?'

'Rose… I think I love you.' 

'I don't know what to say.'

'Well… do you love me back?'

'I, um… I used to.'

Scorpius swore and punched the wall.

'You loved me?'

'Yes, Scorpius. I loved you! Then you went and slept with that bitch!'

'I told you why… You were such a prude!'

'A prude am I? What about two nights ago?'

'People change, Rose.'

I leant forwards to wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him.

He pushed me off again.

'What is with you?' I spat. 'Guys are supposed to like sex!'

'We do! I just want to figure things out…'

'Didn't you… wasn't I good?' I asked; clutching the top of the bucket I was sitting on.

'Why would you think that?' He asked.

'Because you don't want to…'

'Rose, you idiot…'

'Plus, I was kind of a virgin.'

'What? I thought you did it with George King…'

'I backed out at the very last second.'

'You could have told me…'

'What kind of an excuse is that? I was drunk!'

'I'm sorry Rose. I didn't know.'

I sighed and put my head in my hands.

'I want to date you Rose, I want to date you again.'

'I can't do that to myself.'

'Please.'

'I didn't say that I didn't want to though,' I whispered between my fingers. 'I do want to, but…'

'I get it, you can't.'

'I… I could…' I muttered.

Scorpius leaned in, pulled my hands away from my face and kissed me, gentle and soft. Like we used to.

'I'm sorry,' he said. 'I'm sorry for breaking your heart.'

'I know you're sorry,' I replied. 'It doesn't change anything.'

'Why can't you forgive me?'

'I think I have… I just couldn't forgive myself if I went back to you. After what you did.'

'Please, go out with me.'

'I…'

'Please.'

'I can't.'

'You're worried about what you would think… If you've forgiven me, you should be able to forgive yourself.'

'I want to be with you, but I can't morally justify it.'

'Try.'

'Fine,' I said, unbuttoning my shirt again. 'If we have sex again…'

Scorpius half smiled.

'No, sweetie.'

'No?'

'No.'

'Why?'

'I don't want to have sex with you until we figure this out.'

'Fine,' I said. 'I want to date. We can date.'

'Rose…'

'I said we can date, what more do you want?'

He leaned forwards and kissed me again.

'I want you to mean it.'

I looked into his eyes for a minute.

'Okay.'

'What?'

'I'm probably gonna hate myself for this, but okay.'

Scorpius smiled and leant in to kiss me again, but he didn't. He hugged me.

And over the next few weeks, I hated myself, I really did. Eventually it became easier to be with him. He was so sweet, and so right.

I don't think I ever fully forgave myself for getting back with him, all I know was that it felt good, and I needed it. Needed him.

Even if it killed a part of me inside.


End file.
